Also the mom of b/g twins (now 3-1/2 years) in a Montessori school. It’s really tough sometimes. Our daughter came home and told me that one of the older girls called her a baby one day. The older kids are very clic-ish and exclude the younger kids / kids who are different. It is my one heartache with the Montessori school - they are exposed to that crap way too young.

We deal with it by telling them when something is right or wrong. That probably doesn’t help much, but I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.

The other thing I’ve observed - even though I do frequently see my kids playing separately, they do defend each other / play together if one is feeling lousy. It’s nice to know they’ve got a friend regardless.

My next thought is that I hope the teacher ripped that bully a new one so big she could hold a flea market in it.

My third thought is that you gotta go with your gut on this. Running over to La Bean and comforting her was absolutely the way to go. Imagine if she knew you had seen it, and just stood there doing nothing! She has to know that you will protect her. There will be enough times that she has to stand her ground on her own. And The Bean is nobody’s doormat. She was caught off-guard by this sucker-punching asshole in tights.

We try to teach Booper to say, “Stop hitting me. I don’t play with kids who hit.” And walk away. But we also taught him–and this courtesy of your brother–that if the culprit strikes again, then all bets are off. Time to open a can of whoop-ass.

In a related matter, remember I wrote about the boy who hit Booper (just slaps and shoves, no punching) repeatedly at the zoo, and his mother did nothing to stop it until I told them to leave? We saw him for the first time a week ago and he came up to me to say–unprompted–”I’m sorry that I hit Booper that day I was at your house.” He remembered that he did it and that it was wrong and that he has been avoided since.

Kids at this age are very impulsive, and the more aggressive ones tend to react to things with hitting. Before I had my own children, I use to blame the parents for such behavior, but now, I know nature plays a much larger part than nurture. Some parents are lucky enough to have sweet mild manner kids and other not so lucky. My guy is sweet, but can definitely be aggressive. He learned to hit all on his own way before he ever watched any TV or saw anyone hit.

With any luck and guidance from adults in their lives, Bean will learn to stand up to bullies, and the bully will learn to control herself. The most important reason for going to preschool is to learn social skills. I know from having my own son be bullied, that the kids always get over such events long before the parent does.

1. you’re not over-reacting. i would have gone all fight club, but the first rule of fight club . . .
2. use words first, fists last. i agree with honglien123 (i think we shared some of the same experiences) - there’s only so much that can be taken before an explosion . . .
3. teach them to go to the teacher (or another teacher) always - rather a tattle tail/tale than a bruised and abused victim.

good luck - keep us posted!

A month or two ago, T got bitten during a confrontation over a toy. Granted this was a little more primal than the calculated assault played out here. But I couldn’t help but scan the class thinking, alright, which one of them did it …

I’m a teacher (middle-school), so my comfort level with interacting with other people’s kids is pretty high. Also, as teachers in Michigan, we’ve had a LOT of training in how to deal with bullying. The number one thing for kids to know is that they should tell an adult immediately if they are being bullied. Research shows that the phenomenon of bullying continues because the culture of bullying depends on the victim subscribing to the idea that “if I tell, it will only get worse.” This is not true: the bully might try to continue, but as long as his/her actions are continually reported, his/her bullying gig IS UP. Bullies DEPEND on their victims’ silence. Of course, the “I don’t like it when you….” statement should always be tried first, but when you’re punched like that, you tell someone right away, even if it’s the first time.

And as for your reaction - NO WAY should you just process it and forget about it. It’s too bad that the teacher didn’t see the lead-up to the punch. If it had been me, I would have, in addition to what you did, addressed the other kid directly and said “You are not supposed to punch others. If you’re having a conflict over the swing, you need to go talk to your teacher. Hitting someone is NOT OK. ” I don’t think any RATIONAL parent would object to this kind of intervention (forgive me for the cliche, but “it takes a village”), and if they do, too bad. Bullies need to know that people are watching them and that it’s not OK to behave like that and that people will speak up about it.

What made me so sad when reading your story is that Bean sat down in another swing instead of going for help from her teacher. I too would be upset by my child’s being so friendly so soon(waving goodbye), BUT the saving grace is that this communicates to the bully that her awful behavior didn’t have a huge effect.

As for the mom who didn’t say much about B&B at the party - as a mom of twins (6 yrs old), I think that sometimes people are just OVERWHELMED BY OUR KIDS’ TOTAL CUTENESS TIMES TWO!!

I found your post refreshing to read. Hope you can find some resolution on this.

Also, Evie sounds very much like Bean. She thinks the girls who bully her are her friends too. We tell her it’s not right for people to treat her that way and that there are plenty of other people who love and respect her. She doesn’t need to be friends with a bully. I’ve told her that if someone is picking on her or hitting her, she needs to tell the teacher. If it doesn’t work and it keeps happening. Hit them back. Seriously. Enough is a enough.

I was bullied as a kid and I just let it happen because “I’m better than that.” Yeah, whatever, it continued and I remember much of my school years as being miserable and unsure of myself. And it’s continued into adulthood. I don’t want my kids to ever feel the way I felt.

I know I’m probably not telling you what the experts would tell you. This is probably not what’s really socially acceptable either in our non-violent and teach all our kids to be friends world but standing by all the time and letting our kids internalize this stuff till they explode isn’t the answer either.