I have been dried up from blogging. Because I’m a visual person, I always think of a friend of mine when I think of the words dried up. She used to be a pharmaceutical rep for v*ginal cream. She always liked to tell us how our vags dried up after age 30.
Yes, I’m one dried up vag.
I’ve been busy — with work and trips and dragging the kids around the city before school started, visiting museums and conservatories and landmarks. I honestly don’t know how people blog everyday.
Blogging is so weird. How do we get so involved in each other’s lives? I know more about some bloggers than I do about my family and friends. I honestly have strong feelings for some of my fellow bloggers (to sound utterly creepy and weird) but I feel like I need to reconnect to real life again. I’m trying to reconcile the two because I seem to be getting sucked in by one or the other and not properly balancing the two.
Anyway, this is the latest.
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The kids absolutely love school so far. I have to crouch down before we reach the door just so I can get my arms around them for a second before they wriggle free and run inside while I wave like a loser and yell, “Bye! I’ll see you later!”
My ILs are in town, and on Friday they came with me to pick the kids up from school. I’ve been meeting the teachers and the class at the playground this past week. For various long-story-that-isn’t-relevant reasons, I am the only parent who picks up at that time.
Usually when I pick up the kids, the teacher will barely look at me when I talk to her. She listens and responds, but obviously (and thankfully) doesn’t want to keep her eyes off the kids. Every minute or so she takes count of all the kids.
On Friday she actually stopped for a moment and turned to talk to my ILs while I watched Bean, who was pushing an empty swing. A girl came over on the opposite side of Bean — a taller, slightly older girl — and suddenly grabbed the swing from Bean. Bean immediately yelled, “No, that’s mine! That’s mine!” Another girl — a bigger, slightly older girl — grabbed Bean by her arms and pushed her several feet aside. I watched from afar, not wanting to helicopter, wanting to let her resolve it on her own, but holding my breath nonetheless.
Girl 2 (let’s call her Little Miss Kid Rock, or LMKR) now had Bean several feet away from the swing. She talked quietly to Bean with her hands still on Bean’s shoulders while Bean watched Girl 1 with the swing she had just been playing with. I couldn’t hear what LMKR was saying to Bean, but she was serious. Bean finally looked back at LMKR. Suddenly, LMKR lifted her right hand off Bean’s shoulder, closed her fist and PUNCHED MY LITTLE GIRL IN THE FACE.
I gasped. I heard my MIL gasp behind me. And I started running towards Bean, turning around only to tell the teacher, “That girl just punched Bean!”
Bean, stunned, had walked to an empty swing and sat down on it. She was facing the other side of the playground. I swung around to face her and said, “Bean, are you okay?” (I realize this may have caused more harm by bringing attention to it but I don’t care. It was my gut reaction and personally, I don’t think pretending something didn’t happen is wise either.) She had a large red mark on her cheek. She reached for me and whimpered, “LMKR hit me.” I picked her up and started to carry her over to the ILs.
Halfway there, the teacher called LMKR over, and asked Bean to come over too. I let Bean down so she could go talk to them, and walked back to the ILs. We watched and waited as that big bully LMKR made some kind of forced, half-ass apology to Bean.
We left to go home after that. When we got in the car, Bean waved out the window and cheerily yelled, “Bye LMKR!” Which broke my heart even more. Because, you know, I like to hold serious grudges. And what am I if I don’t pass on my messed-up philosophies to my kids.
I am probably making too big of a deal of this, but I’m honestly beside myself. I think I must be repressing some kind of past history where I myself dealt with this, because I keep replaying the scene in my head and feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
However, I like to think I’m not an overreactive parent. I try not to be anyway. Of course, trying and being are not always the same in my life. I’ve seen other kids push my kids over. I use all my energy to wait and see what their reaction will be first before I run over and drown them in motherly concern. But punching? With closed fist? That is fucking learned behavior.
The whole thing plays out like a fucked up, ganged up, aggressive playground attack in my head. What the fuck? It all bugs me: from LMKR pushing Bean out of the way, then (seemingly) intimidating her verbally while grasping Bean by the shoulders, then PUNCHING HER. Did I mention with a closed fist?
Holy shit I’m pissed. That LMKR is on my shit list.
This weekend one of the school’s parents hosted a cocktail party for the parents. It’s a small school, and I think most of the parents attended. I waited wearily to meet LMKR’s parents, not really wanting to, trying to will myself not to interrogate them and ask them what the fuck was wrong with their fucked up bully daughter. We all wore name tags with our names and our kids’ names; dorky but helpful as we made our way around the room. I was speaking to a parent in one corner while G chatted it up with another on the opposite side of the room when I saw a familiar face; someone I had met when we had both volunteered to help paint the new school. He walked towards me and I smiled and waved hello. My heart sank when I saw his nametag.
Dad to LMKR. Dammit.
I met his wife. Made niceties. Smiled pleasantly. Laughed at their jokes. Laughed at my own attempts. Told them It was good to see you again, It was nice to meet you, I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon.
And I judged judged judged. Silently I judged.
Before we left, we made final rounds around the house, thanking the gracious hosts. Then found the teacher to say good-bye. We made small talk; discussed the kids. Before we parted, I told her, as calmly as I could, that I wanted to speak to her about something when she had a chance. I’m sure I made her night. Because isn’t that what every teacher wants to hear when she has a cocktail in her hand on a Saturday night? That a parent wants to talk to her/him? Awesome.
Whatever. At least G told me that I had a smile on my face when I said it.
I don’t want to be overzealous. I don’t want to helicopter, but what concerns me is 1. Bean is being bullied 2. I have noticed that Bean and Buddy stick close together at the playground. The first few days it seemed none of the kids were playing with each other. Several days later, some of them seemed to be playing together, while B&B still stuck together. The last few days, the twins seem to have branched out and played with the other kids as well. I figured, they have that twin thing going on, but they’ll eventually branch out and make friends with everyone. But are they excluding themselves? At the cocktail party, a parent of one of the older students (it’s Montessori, so they are all in the same class), told us her daughter comes home everyday and tells her all about the other students. She said to us, “Oh, Bean and Buddy. Yup. I’ve heard about them.” That’s it. What the fuck does that mean? Isn’t that weird to say? When I met a parent of a child I had met or seen or heard about, I said, “Oh W! He’s adorable.” (Everyone, of course, except LMKR’s parents)
Also, 3. the closed fist. Punching. And the fact that the teacher didn’t see it. I don’t blame her for not seeing it — you can’t catch everything, I understand that — but I only told her once, That girl just punched Bean. Did she think it was a slap, or a shove, and that I was overreacting? I need her to know it was a Closed-Fist Punch. I think LMKR’s parents should know it was a Punch. And I want to be assured that if it happens again, that I will know about it.
Maybe this sinking feeling in my stomach is just knowing I have to let go. My first instinct was to go and shove LMKR to the ground and get all Fight Club on her kid ogre ass. Of course, my mind is the only place where that plays out as morally correct. Maybe this sinking feeling is just knowing that my kids will have to face these things. Maybe this sinking feeling is not knowing at all how to advise them on how to handle them.
Weren’t we all taught to walk away? Not to fight?
This is a tangent (and I know, already way too long) but reading what I have read about racism, it seems a lot of us were taught to walk away by our parents when other kids exhibited racism, whether physically or verbally. It seems to me that many of us now have some issues with that. We were told we were better than them; that they were ignorant and stupid and didn’t know any better. But, did it make any of us feel better? It doesn’t seem like it now, but maybe I’m talking out of my own ass. Personally I don’t feel any better than them. I feel weak and a little lost about how to deal with it.
Do I tell my kids, if they are being bullied, to just walk away? I mean, hell yeah, I think Bean is ‘better’ than LMKR, but would she believe that? From my own experience, probably not.
And Bean saying goodbye to LMKR from the car? It kills me because if Bean was being bullied, does she not realize it? Does she consider LMKR her friend? And maybe she is, I don’t know. I hope so, and I hope this was an isolated incident.
I’m overanalyzing. Shit I need to go to sleep.
I’m fucking not ready for this next step in their lives.
I’m sure I’ll feel better after talking to the teacher. And then I’ll learn some mantra and meditate about letting go of some of the control in my kids’ lives. And my heart will break a little with each chant. You might hear it. *Crack. Crack crack.*
But all I really want to do is show up at school tomorrow with a shirt that says, Don’t fuck with my daughter. And hope that LMKR can read.
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[You people are crazy if you made it to the end of this.]
15 Comments
Wow, that’s terrible. Poor Bean!
You *don’t* want to tell your kid to walk away. But you can teach them to use words to defend themselves, even if it’s just to say, “I don’t like it when you throw sand at me/ hit me/ _________.” You would be surprised at how effective that is. And you want Bean to be able to cope when you aren’t around.
You are making me glad I’m in the co-op.
i know what you mean about getting involved in the lives of bloggers. i always tell my husband about your funny posts or comments. he said “you and halfmama could be friends in real life, huh?”
sorry about what happened to bean. i would be equally mad. closed fist? what the?
(who you calling crazy… you crazy mama)
Damn. I want to go over there and put my foot firmly up the parents’ arses… and grab the bully by her hair and let her know she fucked with the wrong kid.
I see some aggressive-ass kids on the playgrounds we frequent and it’s alarming… especially when I see a dad or mom on the sideline laughing it off, almost encouraging, or simply not even watching. I have a feeling I’ll be teaching LN how to respond soon… too soon, I’m afraid… since I’m still not convinced that I wouldn’t rush over and punch the bully back. (NO, NOT GOOD BEHAVIOR ON MY PART!)
Oh, how awful! Punching?! That story made me want to punch right back, which, of course, is not the right thing to do.
I love Rachel’s suggestion of teaching kids to say things like, “I don’t like it when you . . . ”
Keep us posted on how the talk with the teacher goes.
Oh man… I definitely had the EXACT same gutteral reaction not too long ago when my 18 month old, (at the time), walked up to her older friend, (almost 3 at the time), and waved to her and brought her a book. The nearly 3 year old was sitting in a chair and calmly lifted her foot, planted it into my daughter’s chest and kicked as hard as she could. For. No. Reason. My kid went flying and ended up screaming.
(Who wouldn’t?)
The mom disciplined the kid and all that, but seriously! Who does stuff like that for no reason? I know there’s something to be said for random toddler behavior, but most kids show aggression when they get something taken away or whatever… not when being offered a toy.
Then the mom comes over with the kid and says, “Say you’re sorry” etc. And the kid did. I said, “Ok, thank you for your apology.” To which the mother said, (and I kid you not), “She needs to say ‘I forgive you.’”
Whatever man. We’ll forgive when we’re good and ready. Not to mention, my kid was 18 months old! You show me an 18 month old who can speak in sentences with correct pronouns without prompting. Yeah.
Anyway, that was a long winded way to tell you that your reaction was totally not out there.
But something to consider… the scary thought is that you’re right, it is a learned behavior. Which means someone is hitting someone at home. With a fist.
The whole way she dealt with Bean is suspicious.
Poor Bean.. what a sweet kid to still say ‘bye. Definitely think about talking to her about what people are allowed to do and that if someone hurts her, it’s ok to tell an adult.
We have instincts for a reason. You’re a great mom… forget about being stressed that you’re helicoptering… this warrants some parent intervention.
Wow, I’m a long winded commenter, apparently.
Love your blog!!
You know I’ve been through this right? I’ve thought up and down and all over this topic. J and I have decided that if we ever see our kids get hit (which we have btw, a little boy once punched Evie in the face, hard), we’re all up in there and telling the other kid, straight up, “Do NOT hit Evie/Sweet Pea.” And, “Where are your parents?” We no longer care if we look like the overacting parents that we KNOW we are. Our kids get seriously punished when they (well, really Sweet Pea) ever hit anyone. We don’t tolerate it when they hit others so it’s reasonable for us to not tolerate it or stand by if someone hits them.
Also, Evie sounds very much like Bean. She thinks the girls who bully her are her friends too. We tell her it’s not right for people to treat her that way and that there are plenty of other people who love and respect her. She doesn’t need to be friends with a bully. I’ve told her that if someone is picking on her or hitting her, she needs to tell the teacher. If it doesn’t work and it keeps happening. Hit them back. Seriously. Enough is a enough.
I was bullied as a kid and I just let it happen because “I’m better than that.” Yeah, whatever, it continued and I remember much of my school years as being miserable and unsure of myself. And it’s continued into adulthood. I don’t want my kids to ever feel the way I felt.
I know I’m probably not telling you what the experts would tell you. This is probably not what’s really socially acceptable either in our non-violent and teach all our kids to be friends world but standing by all the time and letting our kids internalize this stuff till they explode isn’t the answer either.
You are definitely not overanalyzing - I’m totally with you on the outrage and all of the complexities of the situation. I think your furious reaction is completely justified; no one should be punching anyone else in the face. I’d be just as furious if it were my kid. It’s also very informative that you saw the verbal bullying which led up to it.
I’m a teacher (middle-school), so my comfort level with interacting with other people’s kids is pretty high. Also, as teachers in Michigan, we’ve had a LOT of training in how to deal with bullying. The number one thing for kids to know is that they should tell an adult immediately if they are being bullied. Research shows that the phenomenon of bullying continues because the culture of bullying depends on the victim subscribing to the idea that “if I tell, it will only get worse.” This is not true: the bully might try to continue, but as long as his/her actions are continually reported, his/her bullying gig IS UP. Bullies DEPEND on their victims’ silence. Of course, the “I don’t like it when you….” statement should always be tried first, but when you’re punched like that, you tell someone right away, even if it’s the first time.
And as for your reaction - NO WAY should you just process it and forget about it. It’s too bad that the teacher didn’t see the lead-up to the punch. If it had been me, I would have, in addition to what you did, addressed the other kid directly and said “You are not supposed to punch others. If you’re having a conflict over the swing, you need to go talk to your teacher. Hitting someone is NOT OK. ” I don’t think any RATIONAL parent would object to this kind of intervention (forgive me for the cliche, but “it takes a village”), and if they do, too bad. Bullies need to know that people are watching them and that it’s not OK to behave like that and that people will speak up about it.
What made me so sad when reading your story is that Bean sat down in another swing instead of going for help from her teacher. I too would be upset by my child’s being so friendly so soon(waving goodbye), BUT the saving grace is that this communicates to the bully that her awful behavior didn’t have a huge effect.
As for the mom who didn’t say much about B&B at the party - as a mom of twins (6 yrs old), I think that sometimes people are just OVERWHELMED BY OUR KIDS’ TOTAL CUTENESS TIMES TWO!!
I found your post refreshing to read. Hope you can find some resolution on this.
Sigh. I’m sorry Bean. You guys can come play with us too.
A month or two ago, T got bitten during a confrontation over a toy. Granted this was a little more primal than the calculated assault played out here. But I couldn’t help but scan the class thinking, alright, which one of them did it …
I totally want to give Bean a big fat hug right now. And another to you. (Aw heck, I have one for Buddy as well!) We’re only starting to enter this phase of toddler/kid interaction and I know that I hover… but I’m so reading all these comments for tips. Em sounds a lot like Bean and I know she tends to be the more submissive one, but I like the idea of teaching them to use their words and immediately tell an authority figure. My only worry there is becoming known as a tattle, but I’d rather have that than a kid who’s bullied/hit daily.
o, i’m sooo sorry this happened. *hugs*
1. you’re not over-reacting. i would have gone all fight club, but the first rule of fight club . . .
2. use words first, fists last. i agree with honglien123 (i think we shared some of the same experiences) - there’s only so much that can be taken before an explosion . . .
3. teach them to go to the teacher (or another teacher) always - rather a tattle tail/tale than a bruised and abused victim.
good luck - keep us posted!
I feel so bad for Bean, but it seems like Bean got over the whole ordeal fairly quickly as she did wave goodbye to the bully. This may have been a one time thing, but it’s definitely best to investigate.
Kids at this age are very impulsive, and the more aggressive ones tend to react to things with hitting. Before I had my own children, I use to blame the parents for such behavior, but now, I know nature plays a much larger part than nurture. Some parents are lucky enough to have sweet mild manner kids and other not so lucky. My guy is sweet, but can definitely be aggressive. He learned to hit all on his own way before he ever watched any TV or saw anyone hit.
With any luck and guidance from adults in their lives, Bean will learn to stand up to bullies, and the bully will learn to control herself. The most important reason for going to preschool is to learn social skills. I know from having my own son be bullied, that the kids always get over such events long before the parent does.
Call me crazy, but I read the whole thing. And I’m riled up. My first thought about the LMKR is that she sees things on TV/in movies that are not appropriate for a child her age. Possibly exacerbated by an older sibling? I’m not automatically going to “someone is getting punched at home”. Could be true, but that’s a serious accusation.
My next thought is that I hope the teacher ripped that bully a new one so big she could hold a flea market in it.
My third thought is that you gotta go with your gut on this. Running over to La Bean and comforting her was absolutely the way to go. Imagine if she knew you had seen it, and just stood there doing nothing! She has to know that you will protect her. There will be enough times that she has to stand her ground on her own. And The Bean is nobody’s doormat. She was caught off-guard by this sucker-punching asshole in tights.
We try to teach Booper to say, “Stop hitting me. I don’t play with kids who hit.” And walk away. But we also taught him–and this courtesy of your brother–that if the culprit strikes again, then all bets are off. Time to open a can of whoop-ass.
In a related matter, remember I wrote about the boy who hit Booper (just slaps and shoves, no punching) repeatedly at the zoo, and his mother did nothing to stop it until I told them to leave? We saw him for the first time a week ago and he came up to me to say–unprompted–”I’m sorry that I hit Booper that day I was at your house.” He remembered that he did it and that it was wrong and that he has been avoided since.
Yes! I’m crazy! And so is that bully child. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I also think it’s really weird that that parent commented, “I’ve heard of them,” in reference to your children. That’s just weird and rude.
Long time reader, new poster.
Also the mom of b/g twins (now 3-1/2 years) in a Montessori school. It’s really tough sometimes. Our daughter came home and told me that one of the older girls called her a baby one day. The older kids are very clic-ish and exclude the younger kids / kids who are different. It is my one heartache with the Montessori school - they are exposed to that crap way too young.
We deal with it by telling them when something is right or wrong. That probably doesn’t help much, but I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
The other thing I’ve observed - even though I do frequently see my kids playing separately, they do defend each other / play together if one is feeling lousy. It’s nice to know they’ve got a friend regardless.
I don’t know what kind of school is but this is only the beginning for you. You can teach your children the right way but you can never predict what other parents will do. Some even make their children bossy so other kids don’t walk on them. My advice is extreme to some but oh, so, true. Check it out on my blog.