The other night G surprised me with a babysitter and an early birthday celebration. Apparently I think I’m 21 and also, a rock star, because I downed a myriad of alcoholic beverages fit only for the most highly-trained Olympian alcoholics. Which I am clearly not but upon being unleashed from the house I was in a state of delusional freedom. We met up with some friends at a bar and I proceeded to drink and probably insult/annoy them for the rest of the evening. (I can’t say for sure but chances are good.) Then turned into one of those people I hate and tried to sic our single friend on some less-than-desirables at the bar. (Sorry J.)
[Hello my name is Janet, and I am an obnoxious drinker.]
We got home and I thoroughly scared the sitter, I’m sure, by qualifying for Parents Behaving Badly.
The next morning, G recounted the events of the evening. This used to be my favorite part of going out: Hanging out with friends the next morning, laughing at all the dumb ass shit we did the previous night. However, at my age, it’s not fun; it’s pathetic. Especially when I’m the only one who did dumb ass shit.
G went on to tell me how the evening ended at home. He tried to take my contacts out. (Yes, I swear this man loves me that much.) I told him to Go Away. I told him I’ll Do It Myself. He left. He came back. I had fallen asleep (read: passed out). He told me he was going in: Janet, I’m Going In! (He also told me, while recounting the story: Oh My God Your Eyes Are SO Small. Because it took prying them apart — using his elbow for leverage — to notice this.) He managed to get them out while I tried fighting him off. I howled OW! and OOOW!
From the bathroom, he heard me yell I Think I’m Going To Be Sick! He ran in to help me aim for the garbage can. He held my hair back and told me It Was Okay, like I was Lindsay and he was Britney and Don’t Worry, It Was Just The Booze Talking. BFF!
He paused while telling me all of this, then added bemusedly, “I may have saved your life last night.”
Party-planner-turned-lifesaver. My hero. Considering he probably wanted to score after planning such a lovely and fun evening, I think it was a win-win situation.
I’m so never drinking again. (The last time anyone had to help me get sick was when I actually did turn 21. Seriously. I know how pathetic this is.)
…At least until this afternoon. Cornhole at J’s!
(Just kidding. I’m sticking to soda and water.)
9 Comments
Yeah, I find it much harder to hold my liquor these days. Your husband sounds so sweet, though.
Happens to the best of us … although I wouldn’t have pegged you for an angry drunk (fighting off G)! Heh. It’s been so long since I’ve done any kind of partying beyond dance-a-thon-ing with T. You and G, now, that’s what I call luv.
That is SO funny.
Believe it or not, I have never been drunk. Maybe once I was buzzed, but I’m still not sure. I tried in the past to get tipsy, but I hate the taste of alchohol so much that I decided the only way it was going to happen was if someone pumped it in intravenously.
Wowee, what a birthday, you crazy partier! I haven’t been that drunk in gosh knows how long, and I’ve definitely lost my tolerance. I’ll never again be a bar golf champion… but I’m okay with that.
dude, you are such the rock star! lindsay would be proud.
Too funny, good for you for just letting go a little, and happy early birthday?
Been there, I too cannot hold my drink like I did back in college, but I so rarely have time to drink socially anymore it’s really no wonder right?
Yes, you would have made Lindsay and Britney proud, you would have held your own with them you wild momma!
And how sweet is your hubby, that is great!
G is a good man, and you are hilarious. Like all the other mamas, I’m unable to hold my liquor now, either, but do like to get out for the occasional party evening.
Happy birthday to you!
Back in the day, I was the unpredictable drunk - could be ornery, could be sappy/teary, or could be the jovial loving soul. Aw, too funny - and sweet that G had to take care of you… Happy birthday! (or Happy early Birthday!)
the more things change, the more they stay the same. : )