What a fucking few days. I’ve been sick reading the crap happening over at SVMB and then over at Kimchi Mamas. I’ve made numerous nonsensical and blubbering comments because I’ve been PISSED OFF and unable to articulate my thoughts clearly. And I’ve desperately tried to explain why a certain someone’s post about Asian parents not participating in the PTA was offensive, only to be told that I’ve chosen to be offended, and to have the focus move to the analysis of words, phrases, comments. Goddammit, I’m not on the fucking debate team here. I’m fucking offended. Now leave me alone!
Part of me wishes I hadn’t bothered because 1. it is obvious that some people are not only clueless, but wish to remain clueless (the worst combination IMO), and 2. I wasted too much energy (WAY too much energy) trying to explain myself. When, Goddammit, I shouldn’t have to explain anything. A certain someone should have to! (And this is MY blog so if you disagree with me, go away and write about it on YOUR blog. Now shoo. SHOO!)
So why do I bother? To paraphrase Mama Nabi: we do it for our kids. And not that I thought that ignorance and undercurrents of prejudice don’t exist all around me, but… holy shit it’s been a fucking sobering several days. I hate that I’m letting it get to me, but it pisses me off that my kids are going to have to deal with people like this when they grow up. Not only people who are ignorant, but people who will turn it around and try and make it sound like it’s OUR fault, OUR problem for getting offended for their ignorance; people who JUST DON’T GET IT.
How do you teach ignorant, close-minded people not to be ignorant and close-minded? How? HOW?
When I finally get my kids into school, are people going to assume certain things about me because I’m Asian? Or assume my kids are a certain way because I’m Asian and I’m influencing them with all my Asian-ness? And our Asian-ness is going to rub off on their kids and Asian-fy them? Because, you know, I’m Asian, in case you didn’t notice.
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Yesterday, I took the twins shopping and let them choose backpacks to take with them to camp. I’ve been a little worried about leaving them there, despite bitching and moaning about feeling like a glorified babysitter at times (will someone come pick these kids up already??). The truth is, I miss the hell out of them when I’m away from them for awhile. On top of that, I’m a control freak, so I get freaked out at the idea of other people controlling them.
I’ve been particularly worried about Buddy. He might need a little more help with the whole idea. So, when they picked out their backpacks, I explained to them they would be taking them to camp and won’t that be fun and look—new backpacks!
I watched Buddy’s face as it dawned on him. He was silent for a moment, then asked, “Mom, you going to drop me off? At camp?”
“Yeah Buddy, but then you’re going to play and have fun and meet other kids and then I’m going to come back and pick you up!”
“But Mom, I don’t want you to drop me off.”
“Buddy, you’re going to have so much fun at camp! You’re going to play, and—”
“Mom, please don’t drop me off,” (now starting to sound a little more desperate), “Mom, you drop me off, I will be very hurt.”
I don’t think there is an emoticon for what I felt at that moment but if I may plagiarize from my own son:
He understands hurt at three-years-old. Three!
Goddammit, what is he going to feel when someone says something mean to him. And what will he/they feel when someone says something to them about their race, or about the way their mom looks?
I know, I know—he’s talking about being dropped off at camp, not racism. But bear with me, I’m upset and admittedly, all over the place. I know he’s going to have to suck it up and deal and it’s the real world and he’ll learn from it and blah blah blah—I know all that. But I’m his parent. It kills me that that shit even exists. And it kills me that he knows what hurt even feels like. Period.
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A big hug, from me and T. Well, maybe just raspberries from T. But he means well.
Sigh. It is exhausting.
Why does that shit have to exist? This is what I cannot get my mind around.
Fortunately, your kids have a great mom who is really going to get what they’re going through.
It’s been a really tough week for everyone. Sorry people like that exist.
To quote J when he heard about all this and by default that dumb blonde on SVMoms, “Welcome to America.” It’s shitty, stupid, and unfair, but it’s been a part of life in America from before the beginning. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t do anything about it, because if there’s anything about America, it’s that things CAN change, slowly but surely. So long as we never quietly accept things such as those written on SVMoms, we still have hope for the future. Perhaps not perfection, but progress.
Goodluck to Buddy and Bean at day camp. That’s how Evie was when she started preschool. She did great for the most part.
I agree that some of the comments were almost worse than the post. The whole thing was maddening.
Wow, Buddy articulates his feelings really well for a kid that age. And the drawing! You know what, they may cry at first but they will be okay. I think it’s almost harder for the parents than it is for the kids.
Hope it goes well!
It has been a long, tough week - I hope you guys get some family snuggle time this weekend. It’s so great that Buddy can communicate his feelings to you so well - I’m definitely looking forward to that day.
I’m so sorry it’s been such a tough week. Yes, the crap from the SVM blog is extremely frustrating and maddening.
I hope Buddy has a great time at camp and continues to share his feelings…I know you want to protect him from all the thoughtless and mean people in the world…sigh…can we all just buy an island somewhere…only open minded, sane people allowed.
Buddy’s drawing blows me away. And I am choked up at his vulnerability. Sweet boy. So here’s the deal: You take them to camp, drop them off (kisses, hugs, Mommy will be back at XX time to pick you up.), then run back to the car where you cry your eyes out for as long as it takes. Repeat as needed. He will be fine. You will feel nauseous. He’s lucky, cuz he has La Bean with him and you have to tough it out alone.
Big love, FingKASIL.
Let me dispell your uncertainty. Your son is THREE YEARS OLD, that’s why he doesn’t want you to leave him, for goodness sake. Someday, I can promise, you will look back and be amazed at YOUR lack of understanding as to what three yearss means. He’s telling you he’s too young for “camp”. Duh!! Cece
Boy, I disagree with sffamile completely. It’s that old-fashioned idea that it’ll make the kids stronger to cut yourself off from them. I didn’t find that to be true with any of my five. They are grown now and still carry scares from feeling it was wrong of me to force them into stuff. Luckily they learned from me what not to do and with their children they are sensitive and don’t force them into things they aren’t ready for. So now I have really well-adjusted grandchildren and I sure can’t take credit for that! It’s a crock to think it doesn’t matter. Alissa F.
Just another show of support. I’m also impressed and touched by how Buddy expressed himself - you’ve got one special boy there. Whatever you decide, I know you’ll do what is best for *your* kids. And lean on that great SIL! I wish I could have such a great connection with my SILs as the two of you have.
Wow! I just came across this one and, I must say, am pretty glad I didn’t get to see the original post(s). In all fairness, I don’t have the whole story but I’m soooo friggin’ tired of people who are absolutely clueless of other people’s feelings that they actually feel entitled to dictate how others should feel and react to things they do/say. Does that make sense? Having lived in the Silicon Valley myself I’ve had my fair share (?) or racism from every type of ethnicity living there - who would’ve thunk it?! - and I just wish it would go away. Are we not living in the new millenium?? Seriously.
So sorry you’re all worked up over this. I too spend a lot of time wondering what the world will be like my own little ones are old enough to understand and see the lines people draw against color.
Big hugs to you!
Buddy’s drawing is amazing. Your kids are both amazing! I bet that they will have a wonderful time at camp.
As for the racist garbage, I wish I had a solution. Or even some ideas. The whole things gets me so bunched up that I can’t even think clearly.
Hugs to all y’all.
WTF? Did some woman actually have the callous audacity to attempt to sling guilt at you on your own blog? The blog where you make yourself vulnerable to the cybercommunity in order to create a sense of universality for other mothers? Did I miss the memo that said today is “International Maternal Judgement Day?” Last time I checked, being a mother is about doing your level best to make responsible and loving choices every day, in the moment, given your unique circumstances and constraints.
It must be very gratifying for Cece and Alissa F. to have all the answers and understand the workings of YOUR 3-year-old son’s heart and mind. Gee, I wish I could parent in such a perfect way that I was in a position to pass bitter judgment on the mothering styles of others.
Oh…yeah…don’t mess with my SIL.
I meant to pop over earlier in the week, well, shucks, in the month, but I wanted to say hi, you see me at Kimchi Mamas as Summer, and yup, that is me, but here is my blog too
I was reading this, and I think that Buddy is a great kid, he is able to express himself, and there is nothing wrong with that!
But apparently I can’t articulate well today, all I keep thinking is “Wow, camp?”
I just pulled J out of preschool for the summer, or at least, this is his last week, I am still trying to figure out how to keep him and his sister enriched for the summer, not to mention I have Aeggi’s Tol coming up…
Camp, that is a great answer!! My neighbor has art camps, and you know, I will bring it up to Appa and it will swing my way, gotta make room for Harry Pottr, you know…that is more important than parenting!
Hope your week goes well!