Ever since the twins were born, G and I have had an ongoing debate; he has always thought that they look pretty white while I’ve been of the opinion that they look distinctly Asian. For almost three years we have debated this issue and each time it comes up, we are both incredulous at the other’s opinion.
About a month ago, I came across an article about half-Korean, half-British actor Daniel Henney. Being a natural hapa-phile (and kind of curious about Korean pop culture too), I followed a few links to read about him. On one forum, I found people who debated the same issue: “He looks Asian!” “He looks white!” Finally someone pointed out that he looks Asian when he stands next to Caucasians, and white when he stands next to Asians.
Ah-ha! It all made sense. I usually only see the twins next to G. He usually only sees them next to me. (And as narcissistic as I may be, we don’t live with mirrors lining our walls.)
Maybe this is obvious to other hapas… is it? Is this one of those things that hapas and their families already know? (And yes, I know, as a non-Hawaiian Asian that the term hapa should be off-limits… blah blah blah. Yes, we’ve hijacked it. Get over it. Please.)
Since I know a few other Asians with hapa kids (my brother, cousin, Cluttered Mom) I like to joke that we can start our own nation. Our kids all look different in the same way. I love it. So whether my kids look white or Asian obviously doesn’t matter. But when I read this about Daniel Henney, it made me feel like I got my first peek into the hapa world.
(I know technically a chameleon would look more like its surroundings, but I couldn’t think of a more fitting name.)
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On a sort-of-related note, last fall the twins and I were pulling into a playground parking lot. After I got Buddy out of the car and we were walking around to the other side to get Bean, I noticed a (white) mother waiting for her son at the playground gate. Her son was walking by our car slowly. He (clearly Asian and adopted) could not stop staring at Buddy; Buddy, who has quite a staring problem himself, was giving it good right back. I got Bean out of the car and the three of us followed the mom and her son into the playground.
Later, the mom and I were standing around the climbing structure, watching the little ones jump and creep and climb. She took a few steps towards me, smiled and said, “My son saw your son and said to me, ‘Mom, he looks like me!’” She told me how excited he was and that was the reason for his staring. Oh so sweet. I don’t know why, but it just made me want to cry and take him home with us. His mother seemed like a very warm and caring woman and it had nothing to do with her. I think adoption is a wonderful thing. Still… I remember how hard it was for my parents to relate to my racial identity crisis as I was growing up, and I have no doubt that—as hard as I try—there will be moments in my kids’ lives when I won’t completely understand their crisis since being hapas will bring on different issues that I will not completely relate to… but it must be that much more difficult for an adoptee’s adoptive parents to relate when they are two completely different races. And yes, I commend the adoptive parents for trying, that is for sure. But … so difficult, from all angles.
It was several months ago when we met that little boy, and I still think of him. He seemed so attuned to his race—our race—and he was only four. I often wonder what challenges he will face. And I wish I could know more about him and what his future holds for him.
16 Comments
wow, i never thought about it that way. mixed babies do tend to look asian next to caucasians and vice versa. thanks for poining that out.
however, i think the actor looked more caucasian in the photo with the blond than in the photo with the asian girl. funny.
I never thought of it that way. I do know that from the time my daughter was born Asians always said she looked white and vice versa. (She was more Asian-looking when she was a baby.) I think hapas mostly look like each other. I can usually spot a half-Asian kid a mile away.
I know my daughter will experience things I can’t understand. For now, I’m just trying to make sure there are always other biracial kids in her life.
its funny white people thought the kids looked 100% asian when they were born and asian people always know they are half. Now that they are older white folks ask me if they are half hispanic and still asian people know they are half. They always comment on their white features “tall nose, big eyes, brown hair” When my parents watch them they get asked if they are adopted from vietnam, china, korea etc… all the time. They look just like my husband when they are with him though.
My kids seem to be so hyper aware that they are chinese and so excited when they see another chinese kids. They can even pick out half asian kids. We were at whole foods a few months ago and we ran into a half chinese girl with her chinese mom. My son was so excited “Does your dad look like my mom? My dad is chinese! my mom is french!” I think its really neat. There are so few asians or half asians outside of boston that its like a special club when they see another kid like them.
You should see them in the very chinese Toronto! “MOM wow! look at all the chinese people!”
No Way! PN and I just had the same discussion! He said that he didn’t think LN looked that Korean and I was wondering what he was smoking lately. It’s funny - when I’m out with her by myself, most (white) people assume her daddy must be Asian too… whereas, in Korean stores, the other Koreans always know right away. That’s so nice that the twins have other biracial cousins… I’m so jealous - I don’t think my sister’s going to have children, though.
I get the same heart-swallowing moments when adopted Asian children look at me longingly, especially if the a-parent(s) seem to be oblivious to their birth culture/race.
I think my kids look very white, but I usually see them next to my husband. And I thought your soon looked very Asian in the photos of him and your husband playing on their computers. Interesting.
I hope that as my kids grow up, we will live in a place where there are kids from all kinds of backgrounds that can help them negotiate the tricky waters of being biracial. I worry about having to handle that alone as their white mom, without my Korean husband to help me.
De-lurking to say Hellooooooooo!
Not a mama myself yet, still in the ‘under construction’ phase but I’ve been lurking like a fiend on your blog having surfed over from Kimchi Mamas. My kids will be hapa, I’m a KAD and my partner in crime is Swedish/Scottish-American.
Your story about the adopted boy makes me ache. I’m a KAD and can remember the 2 (yup, only TWO) times during my childhood that I saw another Asian kid. I was a bit older than your two are now, to the point where it was probably socially unacceptable to have been staring and hanging on that one girl the way I did. I sheepishly hope now that her parents were understanding and not too creeped out.
I like to think that the younger generation of transracial adoptees won’t be so in the dark in terms of ethnicity like our generation was. Good god, I dearly hope so.
I’ve never thought about it that way either. Two of my sisters in law are hapa but they always look half Asian to me, although one of them tells me she’s been told she looks hispanic. Either way, your kids are adorable (and so is that actor =).
Something like that happened to me once. My daughter was in a daycare and the little girl was adopted from China by a Caucasian couple. I was dropping off my daughter and stayed to play for a little while and the little girl came up to me and held my face in her hands and just stared at me for a few minutes. My heart almost broke, no words were spoken but I knew she was looking at me because I looked familiar.
I know my own hapa children will always have the dilemma of people thinking they aren’t Asian or Caucasian enough….sigh, makes me sad when I think of it.
There are two other hapa boys in T’s daycare … and even before I realized that they were hapa, from the start the three of them kind of gravitated towards each other - maybe because they see me, and I kinda look like their moms? Anyway, it’s really sweet. There are a couple other mixed race children and one CAD in the next age group that have really taken to T as well, always hugging him and such. It’s like they just know.
I also totally think your kids look hapa - not completely white, not completely asian. And they are gorgeous!
I think your son looks 70% Asian and 30% white. I haven’t seen enough of your daughter to say anything.
Mama Nabi,
Your daughter looks roughly half, but more Asianish. Actually, she looks like she could be half white/half Native American.
I love seeing photos of all the budding hapa-ness around here! I’m always unconsciously searching the faces around me for that “hapa look” - growing up, there was always just me and one other girl in my class. We both have a Korean mom and white dad, went to all the same schools up thru 12th grade, graduated valedictorian and salutatorian (which was hilarious in our very black-white school), and amazingly, ended up working for the same company years later and 3 hours from home! As you may guess, we NEVER got along (LOL) - I embraced my Asian side and she highlighted her hair and wore pale makeup to look more Hispanic-ish / white. Nowadays I see hapa kids all over the place… the diversity in their hair color always amazes me! Koreans always stop me and comment on the lightness of Em’s hair (and claim that it’s blonde - eeek!); it’s currently the brown color of my dad’s hair before he grayed. Hubby and I always wonder what parts of my dad’s genes will come out in our 3/4ths babies, and I love every minute of it!
Halfmama, Mama Nabi and Rachel - your kids are gorgeous! They all have such beautiful / handsome features that will have them stand out in a crowd. (Like that Daniel actor guy - what a hottie!)
I’d never thought about the hapa + Caucasian/Asian thing before - interesting! The pictures you posted certainly worked that way for me.
Our experience is that people tend not to realize that our daughter is hapa unless her Dad is around; if it’s just me, I think they think she’s Hispanic, if anything. Personally, I think she looks a lot like her Korean grandmother, but you have to know their expressions well to really see it (well, anyone but her grandmother herself, who latched onto the baby as the only grandchild who has “big eyes like me.” The temper, though, she attributed to my nonexistent Irish ancestors).
Yes, so true about looking one way in one set of surroundings and quite another in a different environment. I remember the double standard I lived with when my own family would say things like, “You can really see the ‘white’ in her” whenever I stood next to my own cousins and other filipinos. It made me mad that they were making such a big deal stroking my ego while almost putting everybody else down. And whenever I was around my caucasian friends and classmates they would almost glorify their ‘white’features in front of me! Talk about identity crisis - it made me feel like a person’s looks were all that really mattered.
Also, now that The Big Guy is a lot more social and curious I’ve begun to worry about how he views himself in comparison to his other friends. We don’t have too much of a diversity at his school so I think he doesn’t really think about it at all. But what happens when he gets older and realizes he’s definitely different? And how is he going to deal when the mean kid points out his slanted eyes and shorter nose? I shudder to think about it bc it brings back all too painful memories of my own when my parents dismissed it as being too sensitive.
Your posts really do make me think - you’re doing great!
Daniel Henney. *sigh*
This concept was very interesting to me but I also thought Henney looked more white next to the caucasian chic and more Asian next to the Asian girl. Hmmm. . .
I once invited a 3rd grade Korean adoptee (who is the only child of Asian descent in his school) to our local Korean church here in VT. He was transfixed with everyone and particularly enamored with my husband. Unfortunately, his adoptive parents never brought him again. I think they had good intentions, but didn’t realize the magnitude of the experience for him.
hi half mama - you have a great blog here, and you’re sooo funny and point out really poignant mommy moments. anyway just wanted to gush a little. i love looking at hapa people too - my daughter esp! there is a definite “hapaness” you can spot no matter how uniquely it translates on each person’s face. i have kip fulbeck’s portrait book about hapas. i just lent it to my best friend who gushed about daniel henney when i sent her the youtube video of his commercial for beanpole with gwyneth paltrow. oh, and my first hapa crush - keanu reeves - my caucasian friend sara who also had a crush on him insisted he looked completely white - nothing asian at all about him. i kept trying to explain to her about the “hapaness.”
Have you seen this? http://www.seaweedproductions.com/hapa/
I’ve love being hapa but still not sure how I fit in or don’t. It’s great to be a little “exotic” a little asian a little this a little that. Glad you’re a part of it too.